I feel like this is the first day of the rest of my life. It feels auspicious, like when someone asks me in the future, when did you know that things were different? I hope I say September 1, 2023. It was the day I felt my life move into 4th density completely, living from my heart rather than my ego. The 4th density is based in the heart chakra. You can find more on this on my Resources page. From this day forward, all of my actions, thoughts, and intentions will be rooted in 4th or 5th density. I am leaving behind the 3rd density of pain and fear that was bequeathed to me from my ancestors.
From this day forward, everyone decides what their existence means to their life and the world. Some of us are conscious about this but most of us are not conscious. It doesn’t matter because it is happening, and we are headed into that direction. We will go willingly or resist it the entire time.
For me, it’s the day I put down the pain and sorrow of my entire ancestral lineage and say no more. I consciously know what I’m doing and I’m going all out. This feels permanent. For the rest of my life, there is no turning back. In past lives, I don’t think I was able to attain this kind of spiritual growth and development. I feel like in some ways I was stunted, or my chance ended earlier than expected in my past lives. I was not able to complete my mission or my destiny. But today, in this lifetime, it feels very close, near to me. It feels ripe with possibility, completion, accomplishment. It feels like coming home to a place I’ve been desiring for the last 50 years. This place of peace, release, and freedom.
I look back at the people I will leave behind, my parents, my grandparents, uncles, and aunts. I’ve let go of my dad already, there is peace in my heart about him, but my eyes are on my mom. The regret and sadness of leaving her behind and the tragedy that she cannot join me. Perhaps that was never her plan. Perhaps she chose me as her daughter, just to be able to see me off. Perhaps I chose her because I knew she would see me off and not beg me to stay. She has never begged me to stay. She always let me go the way that her mother let her go in that same heartbreakingly proud way.
I imagine them saying in their hearts,
“Yes, go and be free, my daughter. Go and do what brings you joy and happiness unlike me. Don’t be like me. Don’t be afraid like me. Don’t stay like me. Don’t settle like me. Go and experience the world and when you are done, I will be here waiting for you to tell me all about it.”
I imagine that they lived vicariously through me, watching me find myself instead of staying in an unhappy marriage or living on a small, suffocating island. It was through me that they were able to be free.
I don’t have a daughter but if I did, I would tell her the same thing.
“Go and be free, my daughter. Experience the world, find yourself, and when you are done, I will be here waiting for you to tell me all about it.”
I would let my daughter go too. This part of my ancestral programming I do love. My grandmother never told my mom to come back home when she moved to another country and left her. My grandmother knew that it was her daughter’s destiny to leave Guam.
My mother never asked me to come back home when I moved from San Diego to Boston. She knew that it was my destiny to live in different cities all over the world.
This time the freedom is not physical but emotional, spiritual, and ancestral. I can feel my mom saying, “Don’t stay here in this pain, go and be free, my daughter.” I can feel my grandmother standing by her side nodding in agreement. I can feel my great grandmother, the one who died in the war, enveloping all of us with her loving arms, celebrating our newfound freedom.
Excerpt from the book The Year I Forgave My Parents, written on September 1, 2023.
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