Today I had the most interesting conversation with my mom. We talked for three hours without fighting or friction. That is not the norm for us, usually I get triggered when she judges people, which she was doing today, but my behavior changed this time. Instead of walking away, I held space for her and focused on the fact that this may be one of the last times we cook together in her kitchen. I realize this because I am moving out very soon, and our time together is very precious. Especially in the home I grew up in.
So instead of fighting her and coaxing her to change her judgmental ways, I held space for her to just be herself. Once she energetically felt this, she changed her energy and connected with my higher vibration. This was the catalyst for us to be together for three hours in peace and love. The conversation even changed; she talked about all the positive things that happened to her in the past few days. I celebrated her wins and we talked about her husband and how it would be great if he could spend time with his family for Christmas. I could feel her heart opening in ways that weren’t open before. Because of her open heart with me, I too, was able to heal things within me that were waiting to be loved.
In this moment, I could see my mother clearly as a person. I could see that she was doing the best she could and giving me all that she could possibly give me as a mother and person. Even though I wanted more from her or for it to be different, I knew in this moment that this was all she could give, and it was 100% of her. It wasn’t less because she was withholding, it was less in my eyes because it’s all she is capable of giving. In order to forgive my mother, I had to make peace with this. I had to accept her for who she is, not who I wanted her to be.
I feel like today is the day where it makes complete sense to me, and I reach the height of forgiving and accepting my mother for who she is. As a young girl, young teenager, and adult, I found many ways to forgive my mother. I had to in order to survive and have any kind of relationship with her. But today, I saw her for the first time as a person, who is not my mother, doing the best she could. I give grace and compassion to many people in the world because I know they are doing their best, but it was difficult for me to give that to my mother because the child in me wanted to be loved and seen.
I understand this on an intellectual level. I know this concept very well because I teach it to thousands of people in my practice and daily life. However, for the first time not as my mother’s daughter, I am seeing her as a woman who deserves that same kind of compassion that I give to others. In doing this, I am forgiving my mother as a person rather than a mother who has wronged her child. This kind of compassion is of the deepest kind because I am seeing her soul for who she really is AND I’m allowing her to be that instead of trying to change her.
That is what compassion really is, when we see the person for who they are and allow them to be themselves without judgment or the desire for things to be different.
Written on November 28, 2022. Excerpt from the manuscript, The Year I Forgave My Parents.